FF7 talk show
by digital jello
Summary: Watch as the FF7 people act stupid in their own talk show and cooking show.
1. Talk show

FF7 talk show  
  
(Techno FF theme plays)  
  
Cloud: Welcome to the ff7 talk show, starring:  
  
Me  
  
Barret  
  
Aeris  
  
Yuffie  
  
Tifa  
  
Cid  
  
Vincent  
  
Sephiroth  
  
Cait Sith  
  
red XIII  
  
and the Shinra people  
  
Cloud: Today's topic is going to be " How would you kill a chocobo?"  
  
Sephiroth: STAB IT! Of course!  
  
Aeris: Sephy! That's cruel! I'd only kill it if it was an evil chocobo.  
  
Sephiroth: Then how would you kill it? Huh?  
  
Aeris: I'd shoot it and not let it suffer, unlike you! XP  
  
Sephiroth: You don't want to get me mad! I'll kill you... Again! (stands up and pulls out sword)  
  
(Security comes and pulls him away)  
  
Yuffie: I'd do it the traditional way. Cut its head off.  
  
Barret:I agree with Aeris. Shoot it.  
  
Cid: I'd blow it up with dynamite! Tee-hee. :P  
  
Tifa: I'd punch it to death.  
  
Red XIII: I would rip it to peices.  
  
Cait Sith: I have much better stuff to do then kill a chocobo.  
  
Vincent: I'd rip it apart just like the moogles.  
  
Cloud: ( looks back and forth and sneaks some beer into his coffee. looks up, smiles and pours out coffee.) Ummmmm. Oh. I'd just do what Yuffie said.  
  
Cloud: Thanks for watching the FF7 talk show. See you in the next chapter.  
  
(Sephy comes in wearing a strait-jacket looking at Aeris Madly.)  
  
(Game over theme in rockversion.) 


	2. Metal Chef

Cloud: welcome to the FF7 talk show. Today is a special day. It's not a talk show today, It's Metal Chef! We chose the... er... best 6 cooks:  
  
Scarlet   
  
Heddieger  
  
Rufus ShinRa  
  
Barret Wallace  
  
Cait Sith  
  
Don Corneo  
  
And the judges are:  
  
Yuffie  
  
Hojo  
  
Marlene  
  
Cloud: Today's ingredient is.... (drumroll) Alcohol!!!!  
  
Aeris: You will be cooking while we watch the judges get drunk for eating your alcoholic foods.  
  
Cloud: Now let the tournament begin! you have 30 minutes.  
  
Scarlet: I'm going to make a tasty meatloaf.  
  
Heddieger: Not better than my Chocolates.  
  
Later...  
  
Aeris: Mmm... Rufus' milkshake looks good.  
  
Cloud: EEWW... A milkshake? 0o What about Scarlet's...no, Barret's yummy... ewww, Well what about the do... (makes disgusted face.). Well its not my fault none of the foods look good. Good thing I gave the judges barf bags. Isn't that right, Aeris?  
  
Aeris: Thats right, Cloud. Now we have 15 minutes left. Isn't that right Cloud?  
  
Cloud: Yep.  
  
Aeris: Right.  
  
Cloud: OK.  
  
Aeris: Lets get on with the stupid show...  
  
(15 minutes later.)  
  
Cloud: All done. But, for some reason the Don is missing. But there is a giant cake at his table. Let's do his first.  
  
( People from the cast pick up the cake and bring it to the judges.)  
  
Hojo: Thats one big cake.  
  
Marlene: Yay! Cake!  
  
Yuffie: That better have lots of alcohol in it.  
  
Hojo: You're under age.  
  
Yuffie: So is Marlene.  
  
( All of a sudden the Don pops out of the cake wearing a speedo.)  
  
Cloud: Sorry. We'll be back in a seconed.  
  
( Horrible elevator music plays for several minutes then the show comes back on.)  
  
Aeris: Sorry, but we had to disqualify the Don. But we got the next one. Rufus' milkshake.  
  
(all the judges start puking.)  
  
Rufus: Oops, to much alcohol.  
  
Barret: Try my ramen! :p  
  
Marlene: tastes like puke.  
  
Barret: MARLENE! What have I told you about saying rude things. It's not bad.  
  
(takes a bite and his face turns red. Then he runs out of the room.)  
  
Scarlet: My meatloaf is so tasty!  
  
( Yuffie takes a bite and dies.)  
  
Aeris: (scoots yuffie under table.) Lets just say that never happened.  
  
Cait Sith: You can't eat mine.  
  
Hojo: Then why did you try out for metal chef?  
  
Cait Sith: It's an explosive carrot.  
  
(Cid walks in)  
  
Cid: Must have something to eat! (Eats the carrot) Oh $%&#.  
  
(Atomic explosion)  
  
Even though the carrot was explosive and destroyed the whole world. It won Metal Chef! THE END 


	3. Talk show Venus

Cloud: We have moved to Venis before we died. The only ones who couldn't make it were Cid (because he ate an exploding carrot, Yuffie ( She ate Scarlet's meat loaf, and The Don (He wasn't in the Studio.). We have the same cast. Except those 3.  
  
Aeris: Today's topic is " If you had a super power that a banana goddess gave you, What would it be?"  
  
Sephiroth: I want to turn into any kind of cookie.  
  
Aeris: I want to hug who ever I want. Even Sephy. :P  
  
Sephiroth: Oo ... XP  
  
Aeris: Just kiddin'  
  
Vincent: I wish I could rip moogles with my mind.  
  
Cloud: I wish I could make houses appear out of nowhere.  
  
Tifa: I wish I had the power to kill Aeris so I can take Cloud.  
  
Aeris: Actually, I wish I had the power to kill Tifa so she won't get Cloud.  
  
Tifa: Actully I don't need to kill you to get Cloud because he already loves me! Isn't that right Cloudy-poo?  
  
Cloud: ... (mumble) ......  
  
Tifa: See! he likes me!  
  
Aeris: Thats because you're forcing him!  
  
Tifa: SHUT UP BAKA! (Baka means idiot in japanese.)  
  
(Tifa and Aeris start to fight.)   
  
Cloud: Where is Rikky or Jerry when you need them.  
  
Barret: Who are they?  
  
Cloud: I don't know.  
  
( All of a sudden it starts raining sulfuric acid.)  
  
Everyone: AHHHH!!! We're all gonna die!  
  
Narrator: See what what happens on the next episode of FF7 TALK SHOW.  
  
Barret: What the #%$& was that?!  
  
Cloud: I don't know. But, this is getting creepy. Lets go to Mars.  
  
Vincent: We can only fit 4 people in the spaceship.  
  
Cloud: Then how did we get here in the first place?  
  
Vincent: I don't know.  
  
Cloud: Fine. I'll take Barret, Aeris, the apple, and me.  
  
Vincent: What?! What about me?! You can carry the stupid ap... Never mind. I'll stay. But wouldn't you want to bring Tifa instead of Aeris?  
  
Aeris: Thats rude. I'm way better then stupid Tifa.  
  
Cloud: Nah. I don't want to hear her to call me Cloudy-poo.  
  
Vincent: But we never finished the talk show.  
  
Cloud: Who cares about the talk show.  
  
Vincent: Just go!  
  
(Cloud buckles himself and the apple on a chair while everyone else straps themselves in.)  
  
Cloud: See you on Mars on the next FF7 talk show. Bye-Bye. 


	4. Talk show mars

Cloud: Welcome to the FF7 talk show starring:  
  
Me  
  
the apple  
  
Aeris  
  
Barret  
  
Aeris: I just hope we don't hear that creepy voice here. I had nightmares because of that.  
  
Cloud: Today's topic is " If you got to play with the apple, what would you do?"  
  
Aeris: I'd take it shopping at the mall and buy it clothes.  
  
Cloud: I'm sorry, Aeris. Apples don't wear clothes. Now apple what would you do?  
  
Apple:...  
  
Barret: You know apples don't talk do you.  
  
Cloud: Um.... I think... No.  
  
Barret: I'd eat the apple.  
  
Cloud: No! He's my bestest friend in the whole world.  
  
Barret: Don't you mean best.  
  
Cloud: Shuddup. XP  
  
Aeris: I thought I was your best friend in the whole world.  
  
Cloud: Your my seconed best friend. Hey, do you think you can marry us?  
  
Aeris: How, did you know I was registered to do that?  
  
Cloud: You have to be registered to marry us. Then that means we have to, too.  
  
Aeris: What? Anyways, Is apple a boy or a girl?  
  
Cloud:...Boy.  
  
Aeris: Wait, were you proposing to marry me?  
  
Cloud: Maybe.  
  
Barret: Can you marry me?  
  
Cloud: (whispers to Aeris) When something happens with this planet, Please remind me not to bring Barret.  
  
Aeris: Will you marry me?  
  
Cloud: Nah, nevermind. I'm just going to marry the apple.  
  
Aeris: Fine then. Stupid apple.  
  
Cloud: Come on. Marry us.  
  
(20 minutes later.)  
  
Aeris: Now trade rings.  
  
Cloud: Did you say Ring or rinds. That makes me hungry.  
  
Aeris: STOP TALKING DURING THE CERIMONY! I SAID RINGS!  
  
Cloud: Okay. Don't get so mad  
  
Aeris: You are now husband and... Apple. You may now kiss eachother.  
  
(Barret throws flowers over them.)  
  
(Aeris looks at the apple madly.)  
  
Narrator: Will Cloud find out Aeris' secret plan to kill the apple?  
  
Cloud: WHAT!  
  
Aeris: Stupid voice... um.  
  
Cloud: Really. What did he say? I couldn't hear him.  
  
Aeris: ... He said He wishes he was a teddy gram.  
  
Cloud: Really... Well, see ya next time on the FF7 talk show. And we'll be on Saturn because we still hear the scary voice.  
  
Everyone: Bye.

( Cloud, Aeris, and the apple walk into spaceship.)

Cloud: Sorry, Barret. Theres only 3 chairs.

Barret: But there's 4.

( Cloud throws seat on Barret.)

Cloud: Step on it Aeris.

( Once they get off Mars it explodes.)

All: O o


	5. Talk show Saturn

Cloud: This time its my wife and Aeris at the FF7 talk show. Lets hope we don't have to go to Uranus. Heh, Uranus. Anyways our topic is " Who do you like?"  
  
Aeris: I love everyone.... Except Sephy. He killed me one time and he almost killed me in the first chapter.  
  
Cloud: I love my apple-chan. Isn't that right Appy-poo.  
  
Apple:...  
  
Aeris: Remember what Barret said. Apples can't talk.  
  
Cloud: No. But, Since we have nothing to talk about, I'm taking a nap.  
  
( Falls asleep right away.)  
  
Aeris: Now is mty chance.  
  
( Aeris picks up the apple and starts to eat it.)  
  
Aeris: All done. Stupid apple.  
  
( Cloud wakes up.)  
  
Cloud: Good morning Apple-cha... AAHHHHHH  
  
(Cloud bursts into tears.)  
  
Cloud: Who would be cruel enough to do do something like this! Was it the tomato alians that were going to destroy our world but Cait Sith destroyed it?   
  
Aeris: I saw them. It was terrible. (tries to not smile.)  
  
Cloud: WWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH  
  
( Cloud starts smashing his head on a rock.)  
  
Aeris: It's okay.  
  
Cloud: It's not okay! Apple was my only true love.  
  
( Aeris frowns a little.)  
  
Cloud: At least they could of buried his Corpes.  
  
Aeris: Don't you mean Core?  
  
Cloud: Who cares.  
  
(All of a sudden, I ghostly apple wearing expensive clothes appears.)  
  
Cloud: So you're a girl?  
  
Aeris: What do you want?  
  
Apple: I'm Appledite. Goddess of love and beauty.  
  
Aeris: I thought Aphrodite was the godess of love and beauty.  
  
Applidite: They just messed up on my name and how I look. I ride a twinky, not a clam.  
  
( Aeris and Cloud stare at her.)  
  
Aeris: Okay.  
  
Cloud: Right.  
  
Applidite: For some odd reason, You married an apple, which happened to be me. Oh, and I'd just like to say we're divorced now.  
  
Cloud: What?! Divorced?! Why?! WWAAAHHH!  
  
Aeris: You hurt Cloud's feeling. Anyways, Aren't you the goddess of "LOVE" and beauty?  
  
Applidite: Who said I couldn't divorce.  
  
Cloud: It's no fair! WWWAAAHHHHH!  
  
Applidite: To make you feel better, I'll grant two wishes to each of you. Except me marrying or asking for the apple to be brought back to life.  
  
Cloud: I was I knew if any thing on this planet liked me by loking at a little colored heart above them.  
  
Black:hate  
  
Grey: dislike   
  
white: Dosn't care about him.  
  
Yellow: like  
  
Pink: Cares  
  
Red: Loves  
  
(Every heart was black except Aeris')  
  
Cloud: WWWAAAHHH! Everyone hates me! I wish I was dead!  
  
(Cloud drops dead.)   
  
Aeris: You idiot!  
  
(turns head to applidite)  
  
Applidite: He said he wished he was dead.  
  
(Aeris hits her head with her hand lightly.)  
  
Aeris: And I was going to wish for a mansion and a limo. Oh, well. I'll just ask for a nice house. I wish Cloud was alive.  
  
Cloud: WWWAAAHHH! I wanna be dead.  
  
Aeris: I wish I had everything needed to have a beautiful house.  
  
Cloud: Can we live on Uranus. Hehehehehe.  
  
(Aeris slaps Cloud.)  
  
Cloud: I had it coming.  
  
(10 earth years later. Cloud and Aeris are sitting in expensive chairs near a fire place.)  
  
Aeris: Yay! I'm going to stay young forever.  
  
Cloud: How can we breath without oxygen?  
  
( Aeris shrugged.)  
  
Aeris: How do you think a talk show turned into a sci-fi chick flick.  
  
Cloud: I don't know. Well, THE END. 


End file.
